Penguin Crossing


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Various Qutoes: They may be a little repetitive when you read them all at once because I've collected them over time and never remember what kind of quotes I already have, I just sort of pick whatever I like. And yeah, a lot of them are kinda cheesy, but that's why I like 'em.

"Come, I impart with you jewels of wise wisdom" --Old Country elder

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams

Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
-Douglas Adams

You go into the restaurants of a town and you see people with hungry stomachs, but you go into the library of the same town and you will see hungry brains feasting upon their favorites. There are all too few libraries, and far too many restaurants. People should eat less and think more.
- Matthew Adams

"Education is a companion which no misfortune can depress, no crime can destroy, no enemy can alienate, no despotism can enslave. At home, a friend, abroad, an introduction, in solitude a solace and in society an ornament. It chastens vice, it guides virtue, it gives at once grace and government to genius. Without it, what is man? A splendid slave, a reasoning savage." -Joseph Addison

"What an absurd thing it is to pass over all the valuable parts of a man, and fix our attention on his infirmities."
-Joseph Addison

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
- Aristotle

"Judge not, that ye be not judged." Matt 7:1

"When the evidence contradicts the theory, the scientist rejects the theory. The theologian rejects the evidence" -I have no idea

"In a world full of caterpillars it takes balls to be a butterfly" -My magnet

"Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable." -Anon

"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." -Aristotle

If I were not an atheist, I would believe in a God who would choose to save people on the basis of the totality of their lives and not the pattern of their words. I think he would prefer an honest and righteous atheist to a TV preacher whose every word is God, God, God, and whose every deed is foul, foul, foul. --Isaac Asimov

Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself.

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out on the pleasure.
-- Russell Baker

"One should try everything once, except incest and folk dancing."-Arnold Bax

All the lessons of history in four sentences:
Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad with power.
The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small.
The bee fertilizes the flower it robs.
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars --Charles A. Beard

I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie. You have to be different.
-- Tony Bennett, 1995

"Half this game is 90% mental." -Yogi Berra

"When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it." -Yogi Berra

The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.- Otto von Bismarck

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.
-William Blake

"The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction." -William Blake

No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.
-William Blake

Education is a paradox: knowledge is power and can provide freedom on one hand, and on the other, I feel no greater bondage and burden than from that which I have learned in my schooling. Ignorance just may be bliss. Great psychological disturbances result from the knowledge of exactly how screwed up things are. History tells us that the wise typically suffer the most. I don't know any truly happy environmentalists, animal rights activists, or college-educated hippies. We complain to drown out our misery that is the result of what we've been exposed to. I think we would be happier if we never knew. But, after all, I do not regret the load which I am burdened with, only the fact that I do not possess coping skills sufficient enough to let me be at peace with the world..
- Brian Block

"No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees."
- Carole Borges

"Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr

That's the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture
Browning--Home Thoughts from Abroad

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God" -Lenny Bruce

An intellectual is a man who says a simple thing in a difficult way; an artist is a man who says a difficult thing in a simple way.
- Charles Bukowski

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
-- Edmund Burke

"You don't need to be smart to be president" -Republican Congressman J.C. Watts (said on Bush's behalf)

You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on. -George W. Bush

To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say: You, too, can be president of the United States. -George W. Bush

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California.In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." - George W. Bush

"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right.Well no it's not right that's why I said no to it." - George W. Bush

"Down in Washington they're playing with Social Security like it's some kind of government program!" - George W. Bush

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier...just as long as I'm the dictator..." - George W. Bush

" There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.'" - George W. Bush

"Somebody - somebody asked me, what's it take to win? I said to them, I can't remember, what does it take to win the Super Bowl? Or maybe Steinbrenner, my friend George, will tell us what it takes for the Yanks to win - one run. But I went over to the Strawberry Festival this morning, and ate a piece of shortcake over there - able to enjoy it right away, and once I completed it, it didn't have to be approved by Congress - I just went ahead and ate it - and that leads me into what I want to talk to you about today..." - George W. Bush

"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." -Albert Camus

"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." -Lewis Carroll

Anger makes you smaller, while forgiveness forces you to grow beyond what you were.
-Cherie Carter-Scott

"I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking."
- Katherine Cebrian

To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony. --William Henry Channing

Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-Sir Winston Churchill

From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
-Sir Winston Churchill

Always try your very, very best
-Sir Winston Churchill

For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use being anything else.
-Sir Winston Churchill

"What is the meaning of these damned little dots?"
Lord Randolph Churchill--Remark attributed to him on being presented with some official returns worked out in decimal points

"No Sane man will dance."
- Cicero

"It was when I found out I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something." -Ornette Coleman

Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.

Careless she is with artful care,
Affecting to seem unaffected.

A certain lawyer, on being asked why he defended so many bad causes, replied that he did so because he had lost so many good ones.
C. C. Colton--Lacon

Though syllogisms hang not on my tongue,
I am not surely always in the wrong;
'Tis hard if all is false that I advance;
A fool must now and then be right by chance
Cowper--Theophrastus Such, Looking Inward

To be nobody-but-yourself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.
E E Cummings

"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we'll die." - DMB

"Human subtelty will never devise an invention more beautiful, more simple or more direct than does Nature, because in her inventions, nothing is lacking and nothing is superfluous." -Leonardo daVinci

"A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men."
-Roald Dahl

Years ago I recognized my kinship with all living things, and I made up my mind that I was not one bit better than the meanest on the earth. I said then and I say now, that while there is a lower class, I am in it; while there is a criminal element, I am of it; while there is a soul in prison, I am not free. --Eugene V. Debs

"Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind." -Albert Einstein

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
-Albert Einstein

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
- Albert Einstein

Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -how passionately I hate them! -Albert Einstein

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen- Albert Einstein

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; Some blunders and absurdities crept in; Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; You shall begin it serenely and With too high a spirit to be encumbered With your old nonsense
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Waste not fresh tears over old griefs." -Euripides

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
-- Epicurus

"I would rather live in a world where my life is surrounded by mystery than live in a world so small that my mind could comprehend it." -Harry Emerson Fosdick

The mountains laboured with prodigious throes,
And lo! a mouse ridiculous arose.
P. Francis--Horace, Art of Poetry

Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.
-Benjamin Franklin

Wish not so much to live long as to live well.
-Benjamin Franklin

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations - David Friedman

Dare to be na´ve.
- Buckminster Fuller

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
-Mahatma Gandhi

Be the change you wish to see in the world.
- Mahatma Gandhi

"Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance."
- King George V

Believe those who are seeking the truth; doubt those who find it. --Andre Gide

There is no female mind. The brain is not an organ of sex. As well speak of a female liver. --Charlotte Perkins Gilman

"There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action." -Johann von Goethe

Authors and readers are separated by a great gulf of which happily neither is conscious.
Goethe--Autob., Bk. 13

On the stage he was natural, simple, affecting;
'Twas only that, when he was off, he was acting.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.
-- Samuel Goldwyn

The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly.
-Corra Harris

"The expert at anything was once a beginner." -Hayes

"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt."
- J. Heller

"What the hell kinda country is this if I can only hate a man if he's white?" - Hank Hill

What luck for the rulers that men do not think. -Adolf Hitler

"Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair."
-Thomas Hobbes

"Leisure is the mother of philosophy."
-Thomas Hobbes

"There is nothing like dreams to create the future. Utopia to-day, flesh and blood tomorrow." -Victor Hugo

An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto a blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
- Irish Proverb

We have been taught to believe that negative equals realistic and positive equals unrealistic.
-Susan Jeffers

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on" -Thomas Jefferson

Shake off all the fears of servile prejudices, under which weak minds are servilely crouched. Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, He must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear.
-Thomas Jefferson

"And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you."-Jesus Matt 6:5-6

Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a scoundrel.
Johnson--Remark as recorded by Sir John Hawkins

So act that your principle of action might safely be made a law for the whole world.
-Immanuel Kant

The only means of strengthening one's intelligence is to make up one's mind about nothing-- to let the mind be a thoroughfare for all thoughts.
-John Keats

But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'
- Jack Kerouac

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. --Martin Luther King, Jr

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking. --Alfred Korzybski

"If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words."
- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"

Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork?
-- Stanislaw J. Lec

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.
-Brigader Lethbridge-Stewart in "Dr. Who"

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." -Michael Levine

I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else. --C. S. Lewis

"Bluntness is a virtue." -Allison Lin

"I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crises. The great point is to bring them the real facts."
-Abraham Lincoln

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg. - Abraham Lincoln

"The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just."
-Abraham Lincoln

When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid. - Audre Lorde

"Ideas without action are worthless." - Harvey Mackay

"The true way to soften one's troubles is to solace those of others." -Madame de Maintenon

"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit."
- W. Somerset Maugham

Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.
-Henry Miller

"All progress occurs because people dare to be different." -Harry Millner

As rich and purposeless as is the rose,
Thy simple doom is to be beautiful.
Milton--Paradise Regained, Bk. 2 220

"You have not converted a man because you have silenced him." -John Morley--On Compromise

There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
- Jim Morrison

When you make your peace with authority, you become authority. -Jim Morrison

"I would have made a good Pope. "
- Richard Nixon, U.S. President

In such ugly times, the only true protest is beauty.
- Phil Ochs

"He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him).
- George Orwell - British novelist - "Down and out of Paris and London" Ch. 30

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but those whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death.
- Thomas Paine

Those who write against glory desire to have the glory of having written well; and those who read wish for the glory of having read; and I myself, in writing this, have perhaps that yearning, and so also perhaps have those who read me.

"I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do, or any kindness or ablities that I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."
- William Penn (The guy on the Oatmeal box)

"You and I will meet again when we are least expecting it. One day in some far off place, I'll recognize your face. I won't say goodbye, my friend, for you and I will meet again."
- Tom Petty

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -- Emo Phillips

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- Elvis Presley

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
-Ronald Reagan

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
-Ronald Reagan

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - -Eleanor Roosevelt

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Beware the man of a single book.
- Bertrand Russell

My deeply held belief is that if a God anything like the traditional sort exists, our curiosity and intelligence are provided by such a God. We would be unappreciative of those gifts... if we suppressed our passion to explore the universe and ourselves.
- Carl Sagan

Never fear shadows.... that always means there is a light shining somewhere.
- Jonathan Santos

"Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do."
- Jean-Paul Sartre

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schultz

Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars.
- Serbian proverb

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

The devil can cite scripture for his purpose
Shakespeare--Merchant of Venice Act 1, 3.

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." -George Bernard Shaw

"There is no sincerer love than the love of food."
- George Bernard Shaw

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"
-George Bernard Shaw

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."-George Bernard Shaw

"All great truths begin as blasphemies."
-George Bernard Shaw

"When a man wants to murder a tiger, it's called sport; when the tiger wants to murder him it's called ferocity."
-George Bernard Shaw

"Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage-- it can be delightful."
-George Bernard Shaw

"The liar's punishment... is that he cannot believe anyone else." -George Bernard Shaw

"A man, to be greatly good, must imagine intensely and comprehensively; he must put himself in the place of another and of many others; the pains and pleasures of his species must become his own."-Percy Shelley

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.
-Beverly Sills

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." -Socrates

If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being, and who is willing to destroy his own heart?
- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

He who knows nothing, doubts nothing.
- Spanish Proverb

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's another thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson

But the gods hear men's hands before their lips.
Swinburne--Atalanta Althcea

The fear of death is more to be dreaded than death itself.
-Publilius Syrus

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair rise in the heart and gather to the eyes in looking on the happy autumn-fields, and thinking of the days that are no more.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.
-Mother Teresa

I went into the woods for I wished to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life! To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
- Henry David Thoreau

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
-Henry David Thoreau

I've never found a companion as companionable as solitude.
- Henry David Thoreau

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
-Henry David Thoreau

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.
-Henry David Thoreau

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.
-J. R. R. Tolkien

It's a dangerous business going out your front door.
-J. R. R. Tolkien

All that is gold does not glitter; not all those that wander are lost.
-J. R. R. Tolkien

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." -Mark Twain

"I never let schooling interfere with my education." -Mark Twain

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." -Mark Twain

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.
-Mark Twain

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination.
-Mark Twain

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them.
-Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
-Mark Twain

Man is the Only Animal that Blushes. Or needs to.
-Mark Twain

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
-Mark Twain

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Groucho Marx

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

Theres nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt.
- Jhonen Vasquez

The older the abuse the more sacred it is
Voltaire -Les Guebres.

"The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants."
- Adam Walinsky

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you."
- Winnie The Pooh (aww!!!)

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
-Oscar Wilde

Why was I born with such contemporaries?
-Oscar Wilde

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
- Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Ya Gotta Love Jack Handy: Ok, I was really bored and went searching around the internet for something to do. Then I thought "Of course! Jack Handy!" Here are some quotes for all you lovely people. :D

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teen-ager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be "Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! (Elizabeth's Note: For some reason this quote reminds me of my friend, Victoria)

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" - you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.